How can I get my spouse, coworker, boss, friends, or family to understand? This is one of the most common questions I hear regarding the nature of trigeminal and glossopharyngeal nerualgias. The answer, regardless of who asks it, is the same. You cannot make someone who has not contended with this type of pain to “get it.”

You can, however, ask them to accept the reality of your situation. Before we discuss that, let us talk about why we should concentrate on their acceptance rather than their understanding.

We ask the people around us to have empathy for us, to put themselves in our shoes. I ask you to do the same. Remember when you had never heard of trigeminal or glossopharyngeal neuralgia? Such pain would have sounded incredulous, and indeed it is.

In all my conversations about these cranial nerve disorders (before, during, and after my working at TNA, the Facial Pain Association) I have never told anyone about my first exposure to facial pain. I was young, in my 20’s. I was eating dinner at a friend’s house, hanging out in the kitchen with another guest. She explained that she had a nerve in her face that caused her horrible pain when she…

I have to use an ellipsis in the previous sentence because I cannot remember what she said after that. Although she spoke with a calm demeanor, her message terrified me. I left the kitchen, telling myself that she must be crazy. I hoped she was. To believe she might be sane meant that this horrible thing could happen to anyone, even me. I refused to entertain the possibility. But now I ask myself how many people walked away from that perfectly nice woman, leaving her alone as I did.

When we ask someone to accept our situation, we are asking them to do something easier than to understand. We apply the formula from the movie What about Bob? Baby steps, baby steps. Let us discuss some of them.

Present the individual with a concise explanation of trigeminal or glossopharygeal neuralgia, depending on which disorder(s) you have. For people who have atypical or neuropathic facial pain, find the most definitive information you can. Be selective, using information that describes your symptoms. Do not give more than a full page of text to read. Allow them time to digest it. Then expose them to factual presentations of personal experience.

Find an audiovisual presentation. These are on YouTube and other sites, such as The Facial Pain Association’s. Attend a webinar or support group meeting together. If possible, go to a conference hosted by TNA, the Facial Pain Association or a similar group.

Some people will refuse to accept the plight of an individual who has facial pain, even if they love the person who has the disorder. Hardheartedness is not something we can change in another person.

Counseling, if he or she will go, can open the door for acceptance. If you pursue this route, go alone first to ensure you have an empathic counselor who will research and accept your disability. Make sure he or she knows how to pronounce it. It can provide some validity for you.

Everyone who has facial pain needs an advocate. It does not have to be someone who understands, but it must be someone who accepts.

I would like to hear from you. Please tell us what helped someone accept or understand your pain.

God bless you.

The post Trigeminal neuralgia: How can I get them to understand? appeared first on Kathy Maresca's Site.

I know, I know, I quit blogging because someone is stealing my posts and using them as his or her own. Perhaps this entry will also be stolen. I have come to realize that if people are helped by what I write, then that is the real purpose of my reflections.
More than ten years ago, I began to write about my experience with trigeminal neuralgia and working on behalf of others who have it. I wrote, among other things, about social isolation. At the time, many people were not familiar with that phrase. I received quite a bit of feedback about it, the aloneness that facial pain can cause. People who have trigeminal neuralgia, glossopharyngeal issues, and other types of facial pain are well versed in loss. They often lose their jobs, their spouses, their homes, and their ability to speak clearly.

Now, with the corona virus, social isolation has become a common phrase, a way of living each day. People have lost their jobs and financial security. Some have relatives and close friends who have died.

When I worked at the TNA, the Facial Pain Association, people who were suffering told me how they would not wish their type of pain on their worst enemy. I often told them that perhaps the world be a better place if everyone had experienced this for just one day. They agreed. The intensity of despair that is created by being “electrocuted” throughout the face, the jaw, the eyes, and sometimes the neck-  it causes one to change priorities and realize what really is important. It gives one empathy for others.

My world, in spite of the disability, became a better place because I realized how important love is. Most of all, I became aware of how I had taken things for granted. The woman who taught drama, English, and journalism- she couldn’t talk much of the time. She had to stay home, out of the wind (even a breeze) and away from a ceiling fan. She could not chew, wash her face, or brush her teeth. Social isolation and aloneness were part of each day.

Now that so many individuals in our country face social isolation, people will understand it better, what it is like to experience the aloneness. That doesn’t mean they will understand the intensity of the pain that cranial nerve disorders cause. I have a feeling, though, that this pandemic will give plenty of people more empathy for those who battle facial pain.

We all hope these days will pass. For many people who have trigeminal or glossopharyngeal neuralgia, it will not. I thank God for taking my pain from me, for healing me. Years after the TN pain left, I began to experience glossopharyngeal issues. It’s been almost two years now since my “glossy nerve” has caused me a problem. I’m thankful.

Although I am well, I’m staying home. No matter what, I still believe that love is stronger than pain.

The post Social isolation: we aren’t alone anymore. appeared first on Kathy Maresca's Site.